What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
