Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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