You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
