Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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