Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
