So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
