His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
