Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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