I smell stomach acid.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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