I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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