I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
