if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Randomize
