There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
