I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
