When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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