I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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