His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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