those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
