I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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