Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
