i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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