When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
