my phone needs a breathalizer
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
