Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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