You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
