Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
