I faked an abortion last night.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
