So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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