On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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