Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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