Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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