Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
