You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
