I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
