I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
