I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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