I just pynch a tree in the face
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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