Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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