and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
