i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
