fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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