were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize