I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
