If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
