PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The struggles of a small town man whore
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
