I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize