her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
