ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize