I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize