Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize