I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
where does the pee come out of this thing
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize