Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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