Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
