I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
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