Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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