Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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