All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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