Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
