I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
