Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize