If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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