I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize