I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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